17th September 2015

I'm afraid I don't have anything profound, meaningful or entertaining to say but I thought I'd better give an update after being sent up to see Mr I yesterday.

All my symptoms are simply a combination of my cerebellum healing and several medication's side effects! Nothing can be done about it except crack on with it which is what I'm doing ....

In other news:- having cancer is flipping expensive and involves filling out ridiculous forms! I still have no income because my ESA claim won't be processed until I inform the JobCentre of every date I had an over-night stay in hospital this year AND proof that I attended college last year and proof of the income I received whilst there. No idea how I'm going to prove that!

I'm already frustrated that I have to jump through hoops for this! 

16th September 2015

It's trivial but I didn't realise just how attached I am to my hair. And I'm jolly annoyed that I now have a ball-head! 

I have a wig but it makes me look like I've just stepped out of an 80's rock band. And I have 4 very nice 'cancer hats' but due to my puffy, moon-face they don't look particularly attractive.

I gave up dignity many weeks ago; I gave up my job ; I gave up being able to walk normally. I wish I could retain just one little part of me and I wish for that to be my hair! That way, at least a little bit of me would still look like 'me' ..whatever or whomever that is.

The dizziness had returned, with a vengeance. It feels as though I'm on a boat or floating in water and occasionally, as though I am spinning. Yesterday, I had to grab the sofa (whilst sitting), to steady myself mid-conversation! The clumsiness too, has returned; veering off to one side and banging in to things and people (much to a random lady's dismay, in Morrison's, yesterday). These things seem to have gotten worse, quite quickly, which is odd. Today, my neuro-oncologist is sending me to see Mr I - my neuro-surgeon - to check things out before my radiotherapy. I'm not sure what to expect from this appointment and I'm worried he'll be fed up of seeing me by now!

2nd September 2015

So, why did I start this blog?

1) In an attempt to journal my feelings about this situation and quit with the robotic stoicism! Hopefully, if I can connect with these feelings, my words might help someone else in the same situation.

2) To keep my friends and family up-to-date with what's going on!

3) To promote our fundraising and raise awareness of brain tumours. www.thebraintumourcharity.org

Today, I had an appointment with a counsellor with a view to coming along for a hypnotherapy session, to help me cope with the claustrophobia of my treatment. She was lovely and incredibly insightful and has already made some helpful suggestions. I have my first hypnotherapy appointment with her, next week and I'm confident that I'll be able to take tools away from that, that will help me cope with my treatment. Huzzah! 

1st September 2015

After a scrolling through a happy newsfeed of new baby pictures earlier, I got a bit of a sinking feeling and had a small wobbly when I saw a picture of said baby being carried out of the hospital doors.
It seemed a cruel jab to the gut, seeing new life being carried away from the hospital. A brand, spanking new little being,healthy and full of prospects - seeing this, as I prepare to embark on 6 weeks of radiotherapy, 5 days a week and then a lifetime of even more hospital appointments than I already had before I was diagnosed with a brain cancer.
I want to be that picture. I want to be walking out of those doors to live a life; free. 

I'd like to say I've lived but circumstance after circumstance after circumstance, have sucked the joy and zest from life. I suppose that is living but there haven't been many great moments in between and I thought I might get a few before death came a'knocking. I wanted to have lived and felt free.

My diagnosis is not a death sentence but it certainly shortens my lifetime considerably and turns any 'plans' I had upside down.

I'm waiting for this situation to bring me some profound moment, some epiphany, some new perspective but as yet that's not happened and for now, I am well and truly miffed!!

I'm not happy with the hand I've been dealt, yet at the same time, I'm so grateful for Ninewells. What a contradiction; I hate the place but I have immense gratitude for the treatment I have received and have the opportunity to receive.
 And an other bizarre contradiction; all of these doctors and nurses working hard to keep me alive but I am alive and no more. I want to be alive and living. 

I'm not scared of dying- everyone dies, that's life. What would be a tragedy would be a life un-lived.