I sat in the waiting room and attempted to make use of a visualisation I use with my pregnant mums when I'm teaching - that and some Valium kept me somewhat calm.
I managed to lie in the scanner and felt more comfortable this time on account of the fact that 1) I wasn't sick today and 2) I asked the nurse to talk to me throughout the scan.
I got so anxious that at the final part of the planning when they took me out of the scanner to put pen marks on my body, that I began to feel nauseous - and it was pretty horrible feeling like that and having to wait for them to finish, whilst being unable to move.
My next appointment is in a fortnight. This planning session will be a simulation, with the radiographer and the neuro-oncologist. And it will involve me being strapped down in that awful contraption for an hour, as they do a "simulation" run of a radiotherapy treatment.
Due to the fact that my spine is being treated, this means that it's unavoidable for the radiation to hit my stomach which can result in nausea....so apart from my being terrified of being strapped down to the table for 15 minutes every day, I'm now nervous about how on earth will I cope with lying face down, on my stomach, completely immobilised and nauseated.
I honestly don't know if I have the strength in me to get through 6 weeks of this. I know that my diagnosis should give me some new found zeal and passion for life but it hasn't and I don't have anything left in me to deal with it. Whilst I'm grateful to have the opportunity for treatment, I really, really don't want to go through it- for a tumour that has a likelihood of coming back and I'm going to spend my 'life' having surgery and radiation. That is no life.
Sounds very shitty!! I would hate it. Don't really know what to say but think i understand a little of the "you just really don't want to do it". Thinking about you xx
ReplyDeleteThanks Barbara 😘
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